


saudade

by smoakoverwatch



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, F/M, I dont even know if this makes sense, I have a lot of feelings I'm sorry, insight on season 4.5, ish, speculation for season 5b
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 20:46:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8593099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smoakoverwatch/pseuds/smoakoverwatch
Summary: saudade - /saʊˈdɑːdə/: The feeling of intense longing for a person or place you love but is now lost. A haunting desire for what is gone.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write something, I tried to use a different style than I usually go for. Idk what this is, but my faves are hurting and I am not okay.
> 
> Also, I have some beef with how the fandom has been talking about this whole thing, the breakup, Felicitys living situation, so I may have just taken it out in this. Sorry. 
> 
> (idk if it might seem like it at certain points, but I am by no means anti Oliver. I love Oliver. A whole lot. But sometimes you just have a need to write)
> 
> Some spec, some insight. Some predictions for 5B. Hope you like it.

She never breathes a word of it.

But when everyone leaves, it hurts.

It hurts that John leaves his family behind. And her. But she doesn’t say anything, because he’s struggling, and this is what he says he needs to do.

It hurts that Thea leaves. But she doesn’t say anything, because she’s hurting and this is what she says she needs to do. But it hurts anyway, because she wishes Thea would have felt comfortable enough to confide in Felicity about it. But she didn’t. So Felicity leaves it.

It hurts when Oliver leaves probably the most. He doesn’t leave physically, obviously, but he’s not the same. It’s as though a part of him has checked out. He knows how to be a charismatic mayor when he needs to be, but in the lair it’s a different story. He operates mechanically, he’s colder. Later, when she starts to bring up the idea of bringing on a new team, and they fight for weeks, she accepts it. Because it’s the first flicker of emotion she’s seen in him for so long.

And it hurts for the most obvious reasons, that there were nights at a time that felt so long ago, when they were far away from Star City, and they would talk for hours.

Now, if they’re not talking business, they’re not talking at all.

Everyone’s left. And everyone has their reasons for leaving.

So she doesn’t ever say it out loud.

But it hurts, knowing she’s losing the people she cares about.

She loses something inside of her, too. The part of her that can sleep at night. The part of her that enjoys simple things, her favourite latte, sushi from that place by Palmer Tech that she and Curtis used to frequent, he still brings over.  Some days, she loses the ability to recall the reasons to even leave her bed.

Most of all, she loses the part of her that felt most alive, behind a keyboard. But she keeps it to herself. Again. Because Oliver would need blueprints, or Oliver would need prison records, or Oliver would need something analyzed.

So she tries to go on. The bigger picture, she tells herself. The greater good. She always loved saving the city and helping people.

Some days are better. She manages to push down the constant feeling in the pit of her stomach. She can sit through the full length of some movies she once loved. She uses her rare days off from vigilante-ing not to sleep all day, but she gets up and does simple things. Groceries, calling her mom to check up on her, folding laundry. She counts them as wins.

When she meets Detective Malone for the first time, Quentin casually introduces them at an event for Oliver. She doesn’t think anything of it until he asks her out for coffee. She’s self aware enough to know that she’s in no frame of mind to even think about dating again, so she politely declines.

She thinks she won’t see him again, but he runs into her at a Starbucks on one of those days that are decidedly not better. she had just left City Hall, to drop off a few files for Oliver. They talked for a total of five minutes, but that wasn’t it. As she was leaving, Felicity could hear one of the aids whisper about Felicity’s current living situation (how she even knew about that was beyond her, but it had been a slow summer and tabloids would sometimes turn their heads to her). The clear judgement lacing her tone made Felicity flinch.

“I heard it wasn’t even hers to begin with… It’s just weird. What right does she have? Seems disrespectful.”

It took a lot out of her to not march up to the girl, to kindly inform her that Oliver insisted. That despite everything, he thinks he can be a chivalrous hero and exile himself to his super secret basement rather than keep the place that should have been is. It took a lot not to tell her that some days it’s impossible to go home and look at all the memories filled in the walls, or fall asleep in a bed she once shared with someone who made her love more fiercely than she had ever done in her life. It took a lot a lot not to explain how what she once called her home now feels like its own prison, laced with memories of having to walk away from Oliver, or Darhk attacking her, or her first panic attacks after the shooting (some nights of which she spent alone when Oliver was away in Central City for reasons that were only cryptic for a short period of time), or finding out the truth of why her father left.

But she didn’t. Instead, she walked to the nearest coffee shop and tried to push the thoughts out of her head.

So when she runs into the detective and he politely asks if he can join her, all she can think about is the two hours of sleep she got the night before. And she says yes.

Billy is simple. Well, it’s complicated, because he’s a cop. But being with him feels simple. He doesn’t ask too many questions. He doesn’t push her. The first time he sees her have a nightmare, he doesn’t make her explain, he just says he watched the news last Christmas.

He makes sleeping at night not feel so suffocating.

He isn’t perfect. He isn’t her forever.

~~He isn’t Oliver.~~

But he’s there.

Eventually, things start to turn over. Thea comes back, but Felicity rarely sees her. She spends most of her time helping Oliver. And Felicity comes to terms with the fact that to her, she’s just the girl who broke her brother’s heart.

John comes back, and he’s different too. Gone is the man who she once considered the closest thing she would have of an older brother of her own. He’s haunted in a few ways. She recognizes the look in his eyes from her own reflection in the mirror some days. But she doesn’t ask him to open up. He’ll come to her when he’s ready. She wants to think that’s why he hasn’t done the same for her.  

The new team doesn’t come together in the cleanest way. There’s bickering, and growing pains, and Felicity can tell by the tension in his shoulders that Oliver doesn’t always like it. But they adjust.

Rene bonds with Oliver and John in a way she never could. Realizing this makes something tug in her chest, but she forces it down. It’s a good thing, she tells herself.

In the end, she bonds most with Rory, of all people.

It’s strange at first, and a small part of her always whispers that he hates her just as much as she hates herse—

But she pushes it down. They go out for drinks one day.

“You miss him.” He says finally. It’s not a question.

She takes her time sipping her wine and putting the glass back down. She mulls carefully over how to respond.

“I’m the one who broke up with him.”

“With good reason, from what I hear.”

That’s a first.

All she can do is shrug.

“And that doesn’t mean you can’t miss him.”

The words echo in her head all night.

* * *

 

Things get crazy for a while.

Like, real-life-aliens-are-a-thing-they-have-to-worry-about-now-kind-of-crazy.

So she doesn’t have time to dwell on anything else.

As always, she pushes it to the side.

Things get crazier. Like when she realizes Billy wasn’t all that he says it was. It hurts in a way completely different way.

As it seems to go, things get worse before they get better.

It takes until eleven months have passed since she left her ring in his hand and walked away.

When they come together, it’s desperation.

It’s knowing they could have lost each other. Knowing that this time, Prometheus got too close. That Billy got too close, and they didn’t realize the warning signs. They could have lost lives. They could have lost each other.

Knowing this is what pushes her lips against his, and she imagines it’s the same reason why he’s cradling her face in his hands, the fingers on the back of her head press just slightly.

 He pulls away first, and a brief irrational fear flashes through her, worrying she’s done something wrong.

“Sorry,” he takes a deep breath and smiles almost bashfully. “I don’t want to do this the wrong way.”

She frowns at that.

“I mean, I just wanted to do this right. I wanted to talk first.”

His words almost leave her speechless.

“Where do you want to start?”

“How about with, I’m so sorry.” He grabs her hands, and moves closer, sincerity filling his eyes and tone. “I’m sorry I lied. That I betrayed your trust. For not being there when you needed me even though you have always been there for me.”

She tries to fight the tears that cloud her vision with a small smile. She squeezes the hand holding hers. “Let’s sit.”

It may have been eleven months since they last kissed,

But eleven months since she gets to talk, _really talk_ with her best friend and partner again.

It’s by no means a solution. It’s just the beginning.

They go forward from there.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you liked it. If you did, please consider dropping a comment or checking out my other works.
> 
>  
> 
> twitter: smoakoverwatch  
> tumblr: overwatchandarrow


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